There was a time a few years back when I lived the perfect life – from the outside.
From the outside everything looked perfectly perfect. I had a loving, very intelligent husband who was providing not only for us, but also for his daughters and his ex-wife. We had two very sweet boys, a big house, a pool, two cars. We lived in a prestigious town with the best schools in the state. We threw ‘perfect’ parties with yummy healthy homemade food and great self-made very creative birthday cakes for the boys. We always had gluten free and vegan options to include, but also impress everyone. We spent loads of money on decorations, entertainment and goody bags. And much more…
But inside I felt empty. It was a lot of work to keep up this perfect image, but I couldn’t settle with anything less and most of the time I didn’t even feel that I was totally exhausted after a day of being such a perfect mothers and so on… I was numbed down.
In one part in my life though it did show that it wasn’t great what I was doing. My intimate life with my husband. So much of my strength and power went into creating this perfect day-to-day life, that he wasn’t even a part of most of the time, because he was at work or visiting his daughters out of town. But somehow I wasn’t able to be a passionate lover when he came home.
He was actually the one who pointed out that I must not be in the mood to have him close at night when I had two small kids hanging on me all day. And it made sense to me and gave me some relief and thoughts that it was a logical consequence of having small children. But I still beat myself up and thought I was a failure for not being able to take care of my husband’s needs too.
I had very high expectations on myself. I was a perfectionist through and though. And it broke me and made feel totally empty, but I picked myself up and kept the show running. But deep inside that was a knowing that something was wrong with this.
And then?
I tried to find things on the outside to blame and found excuses. Whatever it was that came in my way I blamed. The children didn’t take their naps, the way I wanted them to sleep. My husband wasn’t there for me when I needed him. I had to do all the work and get up all night, since he had to be rested to go to work again in the morning… He was the one bringing home the money and since the money was needed, he was worthy. I didn’t have many friends, because I thought that I was parenting differently than most Americans, more a German way… My son didn’t like other kids, so I ended up not wanting to take him anywhere to make sure he wasn’t beating up anybody or embarrassing me with his behavior.
It was a very restricted place that I lived in. I felt like everybody was using me and I was there for everybody and at the same time I never felt fulfilled.
Back then I didn’t even feel like I didn’t get my needs met, because I didn’t know what my needs were! I was so stuck in my head and so invested in the outside that I had unlearned to go within and listen to my heart.
Now I know that all this was a big made-up dream I was living in. And I, of course, was the creator of this dream. A bit of a nightmare.
But I can’t even say that it was that bad, because at that time I was so numb that it didn’t even really feel like suffering. It just didn’t matter to me. I was surviving and thought i had to be grateful for everything I did have.
I am so glad that I woke up from that dream. The biggest difference between now and then is that I practice self-love which I didn’t even know it existed.
I learned to connect to my inner truth which was a long process, but so worth is. I now love myself and my body unconditionally and know what I want and need. I don’t feel like a victim anymore because I am consciously creating my own reality. I connect to my heart and my body, instead of my head. And I reflect to make better decisions in the future, if something doesn’t turn out the way that I feel happy about it. I see my gifts and blessings in every challenge that I face. I truly believe that there is plan for us on this earth and that things happen in divine timing and that I only need to follow my intuition to get to place of freedom and fulfilment.
In respecting myself, I am able to respect everybody else too. Loving unconditionally and not punishing anyone, nor me has been such a gift for me and my family.
One big answer got from studying the mix of my female and male energies. I now understand that I used to be in my male energy almost all the time when keeping up this perfect image of my life and that in itself totally still exhausts me. My essence is female and when I can live in this nurturing, loving, flowy, process driven energy, I feel the best and take care of myself the best. Of course there are times, when I change into a goal driven, straight forward, male energy when things need to get done, but I choose to do this for short times and don’t stay in it for very long.
It’s like a big part of my true self remerged from somewhere hidden in the depth of my body and that’s the ability to play and being flexible. It’s like a river running with life and not against it. I am so much more playful and fun, compared to my old self when I was so stuck and strict with myself.
And in my relationship to my husband so much changed, too. I understand now that I lived so much in my head, there was not way to be passionate with him. Now that I connect with my heart and my body there is so much pleasure coming into my life, a big sensual part that was numbed. And being in my feminine gives him the option to be in his true masculine wich is wonderful to experience. My whole sensuality is heightened. I see colors more vibrant. Beauty is all around us. I smell deeper, I sense and feel much deeper than ever before. I can relate to others more deeply which is such a gift, not only when I am intimate with my husband. There is just so much more depth in anything I do.
When I choose to be happy, wild and free and silly, also compassionate and fair, I can turn a switch and totally be all that. And this is not another image that I try to keep up. It’s my true self and the more I commit to my truth, the more often you can meet this version of me. It’s not a fake funny me, but a deep whole-hearted and fulfilled me.
I am all for truth and inner freedom. Are you feeling it too? Does any of this resonate with you? I would love to be there for you to take the steps that are needed to go from empty, numb and exhausted to free, happy and fulfilled.
I did not go through this by myself. Once that I understood that I am not alone and that I deserve to have support on my side, I worked with a therapist and several coaches to get to this state of happiness that I am in now. It took years of finding and crushing beliefs that I had taken on during my life and many of them even in my childhood. Some weren’t even my beliefs, but given down through many generations of women in my family. I freed myself from a lot of baggage.
I did all this especially for my children and of course for myself too, but they are my biggest motivators. They actively show me when I am not connected to my truth and I don’t want to burden them with all the baggage I have taken on, like my parents burdened me with stuff that’s theirs.
I am want to take on the responsibility of taking care of myself and my stuff, because I believe that’s the right thing to do and only when I do this, I can feel free and alive.
So, again. I am here to be this support for you if you want this clarity and freedom in your life. You won’t regret to feel fully alive and free and see your kids growing up in a non-toxic environment where they are not burdened with things that are not their own.
Sending much love to you!
Annika <3