It’s been quiet here. It’s been really quiet. The past days have been crazy hard, boring, sad and at the same time very interesting.

My boys and I are on our own at the moment. My husband is visiting his daughters and they are having a great time in Seattle, US and Vancouver, Canada.

It was a deep black hole that I fell in. Our reality all of a sudden stood in such a contrast to my new found confidence and closeness to my hubby. Read my last blog to know more… And all of a sudden I felt alone and overwhelmed and not myself while my hubby was having a great time without us.

This is what happened in the past week.

I had been a bit nervous about being on my own again with the boys and traveling to places that we’ve never been. We stayed in a hotel in Spain for one night and then took the plane to Manchester, UK. There we took the train and stayed in the city for one night, which was already bad, because we all slept in a full size bed together and weren’t very rested in the morning. We took another train ride for an hour to get to our housesit in Bamford, a tiny town. Our host greeted us with her bright orange VW bus which had colourful flower stickers all over it and I thought of how cool and and happy this family must be driving such a unique car and hoped that we would have a great time at their place.

At that point the sun was actually out and we were in anticipation of a good 9 days here… But even before the couple left on their roadtrip with this cool bus, it started raining!

They took the cute dog with them and didn’t trust us to handle the kitten, so they had put him in a cat hotel kind of place. We were left in this small house with 4 chickens and it was raining. Not that bad, but it did not stop raining for 2 days. There is no grocery store in this town, only a gas station convenience store that is a 20min walk down the road and has very limited supply, but at least we got bananas, apples, spaghettis, pasta sauce  and bread there. It got so cold, even inside, that I ran around with my jacket and many layers underneath.

Sunday we were surprised with a bit of sun in the morning, so we took a bus for an hour to the next bigger city, Sheffield, and spend half a day walking around and getting some more groceries. Now it’s Thursday and it hasn’t stopped raining!

In the meantime my dust allergies had really flared and I had to clean the very dusty house from top to bottom to get rid of my sore throat and runny nose. Last night Noah developed a fever after fighting a cold for the past 3 days…

But the biggest problem that set me off, was going back to not having my alone time! Going back to this same routine that we were in for the past years, but even tighter and closer together with the boys and no space and time for me to breathe which really made me go into this fight inside of me. A fight between giving the boys closeness and affection and then having them not release me and wanting me at all times, which truly suffocates me.

In addition to that, we got news that our Beagle Lilly who is cared for by a wonderful family back in Rhode Island, was going on meds for her heart disease. Her disease is progressing and from what they understood, the meds can lengthen her life for a couple of months. Whatever this really means, it made me very sad. I thought that I don’t want her to die while we are away. I had hoped that all the herbal and natural remedies, I had gotten her and the fresher dog food would help her and slow down the progression of the heart disease. It took me two days to get clear on how I really feel about her.

I can truly say that I have loved her to the fullest from the day we got her, when she was 7 weeks old and a sweet tiny pup. I have always treated her as part of the family and rarely got annoyed when she was stealing food. I took her for who she was and she was a Beagle through and through. She has the softest ears and the cutest snore and she spent me company through so many times when I felt lonely. She knew when there were babies growing in my belling and snuggled up to them even before they were born. She loved the kids always. She had a great life with us and still now she has people caring for her who love her and see it as a blessing that they can spend time with her.

She is still not showing any signs of being sick! She is her happy crazy Beagle Lilly self. I really wish that the meds and possible side affects don’t change her spirit. As a female dog, she is very intuitive and I am very sure that she knows that her health may decline in the future. For now her heart is strong enough to compensate for the hole in it. I talked a lot with her before we left and I told her that I would love to see her again, but that if she decided that it was time for her to go, I would always love her. I made peace with the situation we are in and still hope that we will be able to spend some more time with her when we are back next year.

There is always something to learn from hard and dark times and that’s what I think, I am learning this time:

  1. I need to research the housesits better and make sure we are not getting into a dusty place like this, and figure out if the location and weather is really suitable for us.
  2. I am even more thankful that we are about to spend the next 10 months together with my husband. It really feels better to get into my feminine and let myself flow and trust him, instead of trying to control it all.
  3. All the control that came through by me stepping into my masculine, made me totally clash with my children and made me unhappy. I just didn’t feel right.
  4. It’s time to surrender and relax.
  5. I can’t just fear that my kids are on their ipads for too long and sacrifice my sanity. I need my alone time to do things that I love doing, like writing this or reading, researching, working out, eating in peace, being outside even when it rains and of course I want time for my business!
  6. I understand even more that my life was not perfect the past years. I had totally neglected myself for so many years, maybe as long as I can think.
  7. It’s still most important to me that my children don’t have to go into a toxic public school system, but it’s not perfect, if I am the only one taking care of them. There needs to be a different solution, even when we settle again after traveling and my husband takes on a job again that requires him to be away from home, which he hopefully doesn’t have to do.
  8. I am stressing myself from the inside about so many things still that are dictated by other people and not me, like thinking that neighbours might be annoyed by Niki’s screaming every evening or that they boys could break something in this house, because they are throwing cat toys through the air or wrestling on the couches, always in fear of annoying somebody or letting somebody down.
  9. I am so much looking forward to being with my hubby again. I love him deeply and can’t wait to see us progressing and deepening our love for each other into deeper, not imaginable spheres.
  10. I am very capable to safely travel with my children and figure out ways to enjoy life and see the positive in things while exploring, even in the rain. I don’t need to be an anxious wreck before travel days.

I am still looking forward to be moving on in 3 days. We’ll take a 3.5 hour train ride to March, UK. There we have one night booked in a hotel and then a housesit set up for 4 days. We’ll take care of a dog which I am very happy about. We all could need some puppy snuggles 🙂 And there are going to be ducks and chickens. And Greg will meet us  for the last 2 days! I’m also looking forward to showing the boys around London for 2 days. The weather forecast is much better for those days, west of where we are now.

I am sure that we all will enjoy settling down for 5 weeks near Alicante, Spain after this month of traveling to so many different places.

The interesting part is that while I did feel very depressed and somewhat lost, I knew that much brighter, sunnier and happy times will follow. And the moment that I let go and surrendered to my own craziness and stress in my head, I felt so much relief already.

There are things, like the weather, I can’t control. But I can control my thoughts and how I feel about it. I can control how it influences my mood.  And I can take action in creating a better experience in the boundaries of the things that are out of my control.

Of course, part of me would still like to be a weather fairy 😉

I have learned to embrace the dark times, go through them and then get back up in almost no time. I love to feel so much more conscious and in deep trust that I know myself and what I need. It’s been a long path, but I embrace everything about it and will continue learning.

What was the last dark time that you went through? How did you get out of it? If you like, please share.

With love and gratitude, Annika <3