I can’t express how much my heart is opening these days.
It was an absolute conscious decision to work on letting down my walls that guarded my heart for so long. I’ve had a break through session a couple of years ago when I realised that these walls don’t serve me anymore, but this mindshift really took a long time to set in. You probably know this feeling when you feel like intellectually you understand something, but then it still needs to find its way into real life, every day life…
So, two years ago, my coach Alexandra put me into this state of meditation in that I was still answering her questions. At the end she had supported me to a place where I was able to thank the walls around my heart that had protected me from hurt for so long. I had put these up as a child when I felt invaded in my personal space, my being. I had shut out people who had made me feel unloved and just not enough and not right the way I was. Without these ‘guards’ of my heart/my soul, I might not have survived in the way I did.
Nevertheless, these walls are now in my way. They don’t serve me anymore. They keep me from trusting people and really connecting deeply to people I love, my family.
Years ago I understood, that in order to deeply love and feel loved, I needed to take responsibility for myself. I was a child when I put these walls in place. Now I am an adult. I can take care of my inner child who is still fighting for survival and who is still holding on to this creative idea on how to protect herself. But in my life now, not everybody means danger who connects deeply to me.
I was eager to follow this plan of shattering and breaking down these walls.
But how to do that?
It was a long journey and, of course, it still is. I don’t want to say at all that I am all the way there yet, but I feel like I am on a great path right now and I will continue walking it.
I learned to take better care of myself. How else would my inner child trust that I was able to take care of her? I talked to her. I gave her the attention she needed from me and continue to do so in meditations. I really love her for who she is. Part of her is still hurt and a bit unsure, but she has gotten to open up more and more.
I am doing meditations every day which lead me into deep layers of myself. I am connecting to myself, my heart, my soul and find out more and more ways to make sure that I give myself what I need.
Taking time to myself was the first step. If I don’t spend time alone, I cannot connect to my needs and wants. And then at the same time I put myself into the situation of spending much more time with my husband.
We have been traveling for 6 weeks today and have been together every day and every night ever since. We’ve never experienced that much closeness to each other before. It was actually one of my biggest fears going into this journey, the question how I would cope with that much closeness.
And we’ve gone through so much in the past weeks. All the triggers I could imagine in our relationship have been pushed. From feeling happy, connected, in love and on top of everything to feeling cloudy, distant and shattered, we’ve been through all in this little period of time…
And from all of this we have grown so much already that I can’t even imagine what’s going to happen in the next 10.5 months of our trip around the world.
In this whirl of emotions, time for myself is essential to connect to myself and to reflect on what’s happening around me and I am really taking this on seriously!
I have never felt this connected to myself and to my husband. When thinking of unconditional love, I think of the bond between mother and child, but it’s possible to feel this in a relationship too. I am able now to open up my heart and trust that Greg will take care of me, that he has the greatest intentions to be there for me and support me. He is no danger to me.
I see my walls shattering these days and this feels really good! As I said, this is all still fresh and new to me, but it’s so interesting to see how a thought, a mindshift that had occurred years ago and probably many times before and after, is now finally being internalised and has entered into my whole being.
I am forever grateful to have met my true love and have been living with him now for almost 10 years. It’s crazy to think that it took that long to truly feeling able to open up my whole heart to the person, I thought, I have loved for so many years. But this is the beginning to something much deeper and wonderful that I can’t even imagine yet.
I am so glad that we are in this crazy adventure called life together and that he challenges me every day to be a better self, for myself, for our kids and for my whole family.
Even if two years seem like a long time, it’s very little compared to over 30 years of trying to guard my heart from breaking. I am proud of myself to have gotten where I am today. And I thank my support team, my coaches that have guided me, my children who are my gurus and especially my husband who is taking on the difficult task of reflecting myself to me.
I love to support you, if you feel like you are somewhere on the path of truly being yourself and got stuck a bit. I can help you excel and start really taking responsibility of yourself and your life. I am forever grateful for my support team and would like to offer my support to you. Nobody needs to go through life changes by themselves. You are not alone. You are enough and beautiful.
With lots of gratitude and love,