Last week I experienced this big aha moment that I would like to share.
I had posted on social media before, so some people might know that my mom was in Sri Lanka while the attacks occurred on Easter Sunday. She had been in contact with my grandma a couple of hours before the bombings happened, but we didn’t hear anything from her for many days after.
I knew in my gut that they were ok and were on a beach instead of attending the Easter Service at the church in Batticaloa, but I wasn’t 100% sure.
Two days before the incidents happened, she was in Tricomalee and had told me that their goal was going down the Eastcoast to Arugam Bay and right in the middle is the town of Batticaloa! So, I didn’t know how many days they had planned for the trek and wasn’t sure if they had already made it down all the way two days later, on Easter Sunday. They might as well go slow and attend the only protestant Easter service on the island…. But fortunately they didn’t! I know now that they had been in that town on Saturday, but decided to spend Easter on the beach in Arugam Bay, 2 hours south of the Batticaloa explosions….
But going back to my feelings about them being safe, but not for sure knowing that they were…
My grandma showed me the pictures that my mom had sent on Easter morning, saying they were in Arugam Bay and that still wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more proof.
One of the pictures showed the bungalow they had rented and another was of the scenery of the gardens and the ocean view. So, the detective in me was awaken. I googled hotels in Arugam Bay and after a couple of hours of research I found the one that the pictures had shown. This was on Tuesday mid morning in Germany. I charged up my Skype account with $5 and made the phone call. I talked to a man who spoke very broken English and I wasn’t exactly sure if I could believe him, but after a bit of back and forth, he said that they were at the hotel and had left that Tuesday morning to travel on the Tangalle in the South.
I thought that this sounded great, but somehow I still wasn’t sure if I could believe this person. I made up in my head how I could challenge somebody there better to make sure that he actually really knew my mom. I thought about letting me brother call and ask of the name of her boyfriend or so… Then I found a different number of the bungalow area of the hotel complex and called to ask if there was somebody there who spoke better english. When I had told the person my name and that I was looking for my mom, he told me her name right away and also her boyfriend’s and said the same thing, that they were on their way to Tangalle and also that they had stayed at the hotel for 3 nights. Saturday to Tuesday and that that they were safe from the attacks.
I felt some more relief hearing this. I think between these phone calls I had written they hotel an email as well stating me search for my mom.
On Wednesday morning I got an email back from the hotel, with the same summary of events.
I felt good, but I had still not heard from her personally which bothered me.
In addition or even before being in contact with the hotel, I had posted a picture of my mom and her boyfriend on a Sri Lanka – Bali travel site on Facebook with the question if anybody had seen these two. One woman was linked in the comments and then got in contact with me. She asked for their full names and then called the authorities in charge and came back that no one of them was on the list of people that had died, nor were they registered as being injured which was great to hear also.
All this didn’t seem enough though for me. In contrary, my brother was totally fine with the answer from the hotel. For him it was clear that they were fine and enjoying themselves and that they were just not getting in touch because social media and public networks were still taken down by the government.
I challenged that I thought that they very well would have access to emails from hotels and also could just pick up a phone at a hotel and call us to let us know that they were alright. Why wouldn’t say try?
I finally found her boyfriend’s children online and got in touch with them, asking if they had heard from their dad. They hadn’t either.
At that point I understood what had been going on in my head all along and I thought that it was really interesting to watch how I really wanted to be the one that she would contact. I wanted to feel worthy enough to be the one. I was making it all about me. I was listening to two voices in my head:
A: Why is she so dumb and can’t pick up a phone to call me? Why am I not worth enough to be called?
B: It’s about knowing that she is alive! Stop thinking about yourself!
A: I already know that she is alive! I knew that she was in Arugam Bay when the explosions happened. I saw the pictures of her. I got reassurance from the hotel that she was there and safe.
B: Stop being selfish. You know you are worthy and loved! You know how your mom is! She is enjoying her time at the beaches of Sri Lanka. She doesn’t care to find a solution to get in touch. She sent her mom a picture and said she was in Arugam Bay on Easter and that should be enough for everybody to know that she is fine and when WhatsApp is working again, she will send you a message.
A: I know. I get it. I won’t worry any more and I am grateful that she is ok and not injured. I am also kind of proud to have been able to do some detective work and getting so close to finding her just from one picture! If I had called the hotel a day earlier, i would have actually reached her! I like the feeling of being in control, even though I can be on the other side of the world. That gives me a sense of safety and assurance.
B: This world can be quite small and controlable, but think about it. Would you want anybody to spy and find you when you want your freedom?
A: No, I don’t. But I would do everything to inform my family that I was alright after attacks like this. So, nobody would have to search and worry about me.
B: Think about the topics of TRUST, CONFIDENCE, FREEDOM and DRAMA (ATTENTION) some more.
A: Ok, I will. I get it. I am very glad, that she is ok and I will take good care of my wounded inner child that is still screaming for approval and attention.
Then on Thursday evening, 4 days after the attacks, my brother got a Facebook message from one of her friends. She got a message from our mom saying that they were alright and doing fine.
Since thinking about this some more and understanding what’s actually going on when somebody is hurt by the actions of somebody else, I have been really aware and see this all the time now. One person does or says something, and another person gets hurt or aggravated by this and in reality it’s just this person’t past running wild on them.
This is just a really good example, because it’s so clear that the main point here is that my mom is alive. Nothing else should matter!
And still, me and everybody else, who felt hurt, neglected, mad, angry,..whatever it is, has some inner work to do. It’s our hurt inner children screaming for attention and wanting to make it somebody’s else’s fault that they suffered.
I will keep up my work on healing my inner child. I know that I can do it. I know that I am an adult now and I can hold her by her hand and take great care of her.
And by doing this, I can open myself and whole heartedly say: Mom, I am glad and thankful that you are alive!
With much love and gratitude,
aNNika <3
PS: Please share with me what’s holding you back. What does your inner child need? Maybe you are mad and angry of somebody and don’t know why? Please reach out and we’ll find some clarity! Send me a message or book a 60min session right below. I am looking forward to connection with you!
https://calendly.com/annikahaymancoaching/60min